It hits again!

I woke up this morning, excited that it was Saturday and our family had no plans but to relax and be together. However, most of it was true, but there was no excitment in me. Today has been a really rough day. It isn't a special day, or an anniversary for any memory or anything, i'm just down, and extremely sad. I don't think I have smiled all day except for a few moments in the morning when Marcus was making me laugh. Even Mike noticed today that I wasn't myself. The past month or so I haven't really been talking about Brody, and I was just moving on with life. I haven't had any down days, and haven't really cried. But today, I am just sad. I was looking at my facebook account today and I have a friend who had a baby about 2 weeks after Brody was born, and she is constantly posting new pictures of her girl, and how much she grows each month. Every time she posts them, its a reminder that I don't have a son here on earth who is growing every month. I don't get to see him grow into his own personality, I don't get to see all his firsts. I am having a difficult being around babies lately and I hate this feeling, because I love babies and want to hold all of them, but I just get overwhelmed with saddness. I am wondering if I am into the deep sadness stage of grief. If thats even a stage. Who knows. All I know is that today has been so incredibly sad, and it hurts, because towards the end of the day I couldn't even put a smile on my face for Marcus. And that hurts me, because I still want to be the best mom I can for him. He deserves the best.
So tonight, I am just asking for a little prayer. I am asking if you could pray for comfort and peace in my heart. I know its okay to be sad, but its really hard on me and I don't know how to deal with it. Please pray for strength as I continue to raise my beautiful Marcus and be able to continually love him with everything I have, even though a piece of my heart is broken.
Tonight I will praise my Lord and thank him for everything He has blessed me with. Even in my darkest saddness, I can still glorify God and know that He is GOOD!

Thanksgiving??

Canada just finished celebrating Thanksgiving, a time to be thankful and to celebrate giving and being thankful. However, this year for our family it was hard for us to be thankful for much.
Today is one of those days. Its gloomy outside and also in my heart. My brother and his family went with my parents to Ontario and I have been feeling lonely without any family close by, and being alone it makes me think of the happier times in my life. I remember last years Thanksgiving when we were all at my parents place. We all celebrated Thanksgiving together and then Mike and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary in Montana. What is making this event so emotional today is that, this is the time when Brody was conceived. Today I am remembering the time when life was great and we were celebrating, and one year later, we are grieving. Its amazing how life can change so quickly.
I am also struggling today with understanding if its okay to admit that I haven't been thankful for much in the past few months. I am thankful for the great family I have, and the wonderful friends who keep me going but there is just part of me that is wondering, how can I be truly thankful when I am so saddened by what has happened to us. I feel like I am not truly thankful and my heart is not truly happy. I am wondering if I will ever be truly happy again. I have been getting happier and excited about life again, but I don't have that complete happiness and joy that I once had. Theres a little piece of me that is holding back. I hope that one day that pure happiness will return, but until then I guess I just need to accept that its going to take time and go on trying to live a life that is joyful and uplifting to God.
So, today is a hard day. Its so quiet in our house and the memories are just hitting me hard. It wasn't supposed to be this quiet in our house. I miss my little boy so much today, I think I need to go visit him today. We bought little butterfly sticks so I think Marcus and I are going to go bring them over today.

Blessings.

The Open Door

The door is finally opened! I just came back from the nursery. This was the first time that I have opened the door since I got it ready back in July. While I was sitting on the couch with Marcus this morning, I had this nudge in my heart to go into the room. It was time. As I opened the door, I saw the pictures that we hung on the wall, the dresser, and the cutest overalls that my mom had bought a while back for Brody. When I walked in, I looked to the right and saw the crib. Everything was in the order. The sheets weren't even wrinkled. It was a weird sight.
After July 2nd, we started getting many things from people such as cards, little stuffed animals and a few other things. Mike has been putting everything that we have gotten into the crib and its starting to overflow. It felt so calming to start going through some of these things. I first started looking at the clothes that we had packed for him to wear at the hospital, his blankets that people made for him and a stuffed animal that the hospital gave him. I then started looking at more personal things of him. My mom got this big wall piece called "what is a baby", that we had in front of the church during the memorial service. Well, she had put his baby hat where a picture was supposed to go, and I just now noticed that it had some of the "gunk" from Brody on the hat. I then started looking at the box that the hospital gave us. His foot prints, bracelets, and finally some of his hair. It was no neat to touch these things because he actually wore the braclets, and it was actually his hair. The only other things I got through were the cards, and looked at the dried roses that we kept from the service. The only things that I haven't looked at yet are all his pictures. But one day I'm sure i'll be ready to go through them.
I feel so calm after being in there. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. But it felt really good. I have had a really good week (besides being sick :( ) and I am starting to live life again. I am now starting to understand why people say it gets easier. I get it now. The pain is still there, but I don't cry everyday. Of course I still have bad moments, and days, but I now feel excited about my life and happy to go on with my days.

You don't have to thank God for the bad things, just for being there in the midst of them.

For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

My Fathers Message

A few days after Brody's funeral my father had to drive back to Alberta because he had to speak in his church that Sunday. A few days after that Sunday my mom and I decided to start listening to the message online. For some reason I only got through the first 5 minutes of it, and something came up. So tonight I decided to go to my dads church website and listen to the sermon that he did the Sunday after Brody's funeral. WOW, what strength my dad must have had to even make it through the message, and it was so powerful and right to point about not judging others.
The message is making me really think twice about my actions towards other people, so I decided to post it here because its a great message.
All you have to do is click on this website, then find and click on the July 12, 2009 sermon, entitled, "We are not God", and click open.

http://feeds.feedburner.com/cmbcaudio

May your hearts be touched by this.

Taking time

Last night I realized just how important it is for me to take time out of my day to spend with God reflecting on Brody. I had a complete breakdown last night and couldn't control myself. I've been having these overwhelming feelings of sadness lately and I just lose it. I'm at this stage of grieving that I just want him here NOW. Its so hard to explain to someone the complete emptiness that I have. Its this aching feeling in my chest and I just feel like my heart is racing a thousand times a minute. But last night Mike and I were talking after I had calmed down a bit, and we both realized that I have been extremely busy the past three days. Usually, during Marcus' nap, I take time to look at Brody's picture (i've only looked at one so far) and just sit there and let myself go wherever it needs to go, but the past few days I haven't had time to do that, and last night it caught up with me. I've had people tell me that it gets easier as time goes on but right now I feel that its getting harder. But I've found that if I take time to sit there with his picture and reflect then I can go on with the rest of my day, and even sleep at night. I am finally realizing how hard all of this is, and I'm slowly finding ways to keep myself sane and to continue on with life, because I have a wonderful 2 year old who needs his mommy also. I'm sure one day it will get easier but right now I just keep looking towards God. Not so much for understanding right now, but for peace and strength to get through the days.
As a side note, Mike and I have decided not to put a stone on Brody's grave site yet. We were told that we had until August to pick out a stone so it could be set before the land got too hard, but we weren't quite ready to pick one out yet. We sort of have an idea of what we want, but we want it to be perfect and right now our minds aren't completely together, so we have decided to wait until next spring to pick one out. This was a hard decision because right now there is just a marker with his name on it and thats all. His land looks so bare and over winter I have a fear that his marker is going to get lost and I won't be able to find it. But we keep bringing flowers to the site, and I think I am going to get something big to put there so we know where he is when the snow comes.
Well, that is all for now. Today I am going to have a mommy and Marcus day. I'm not sure what we are going to do yet, but I just need to spend some time with my boys today.

"It's okay to fall apart in Jesus' arms. When you cannot hold yourself together, God can".

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to Me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge.
Psalm 57:1

Beach Day

We just got back from a great afternoon at the beach. We are tanned, tired, but very happy! Today was the first time in a while that just the three of us went to the beach for the day. No one complained, (not even Marcus:)) and I realized that since Brody left us, my marriage has been getter stronger. Not to say that it wasn't strong before, but I read a lot of books about loss and one of the toughest things after a loss of a child is making a marriage survive. It will either bring you closer together, or tear you apart. While I was watching Marcus and Mike build sandcastles today, I realized how glad I was to have such an amazing husband. I do have to admit, that as soon as Brody died, we had different ways of grieving, and I was getting upset because he didn't grieve the same way I did, and he wasn't very understanding when I wanted to cry all the time and make him sit there and listen to me, but our minds weren't focused on eachother, and we were just trying to understand ourselves what just happened. It took us about a month before we started coming together and being able to grieve together. Even though we weren't together very much since I was at my parents place, Mike listened to me on the phone when I just needed to let go and cry, and I became aware of Mikes way of grieving and now understand his grieving process. I think that Brody has brought us closer together as a family. We cherish every moment we have together and value the really important things in life. We want to spend more time together as family and my love for my husband is outstanding. I love him SO MUCH!
Although we grieve two completely different ways, we come together as husband and wife now and continue to be a family who is dealing with the hardest time in our lives together.
Unconditional love is a gift that pain and suffering cannot negate and death cannot sever.
For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but My kindness shall not depart from you. Nor shall My covenant of peace be removed. Isaiah 54:10

9 Months with Brody

This is a copy of the tribute I wrote to express my 9 months of pregnancy with Brody. This was read at his memorial service.

July 1, 2009 is a day I will never forget. We spent the day as a family together for the last time. Marcus and daddy swimming and having a blast , and Brody and mommy watching them, drinking juice and thinking about coming back in a few months so we can all swim and play together. Never did I think how our lives would change in a matter of hours.
The last 9 months have been the hardest and happiest moments in my life. It all started in October when we found out we were having Brody. We were thrilled and couldn’t be happier to be having another child. I spent the first few months wondering when I would feel him kick, and feel all the little movements that he would be doing. It wasn’t that much longer when my little soccer player introduced himself. He was a very active baby which caused me pain, but also smiles when I could feel him kick me in the side which made me wonder how big his legs and feet actually were. I spent many nights awake because of kicking, heartburn, muscle pain and excitement about his arrival. He loved it when Marcus and I would sing songs. He would always start moving as soon we started singing. As Brody and I grew bigger as the months went on, I felt closer and closer to him. When he would start moving, I would put my hand on my stomach and he would usually kick that spot. I spent many moments talking to him and telling him how happy and excited we were for him to be a part of our family
The day that Brody was born is a day that will remain in my heart forever. I was so excited to be going to the doctors one last time hoping that I would be delivering Brody soon. As I laid on the bed waiting to hear his heartbeat, my own heartbeat was racing faster and faster. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t hearing anything. The next couple of hours were spent hearing the worst news a mother could ever hear and preparing myself for the delivery that would bring me the worst pain physically and emotionally that I would ever have in my life. As soon as Brody was born I was unsure how I would feel, but never did I think that I would feel a peace at what I was seeing. Here was this perfect angel; not a mark on his body and lying so peacefully under the warm heaters. While we said our goodbyes after holding him, I praised God for creating such a beautiful boy and allowing me to see his beauty and hold him until I was ready to let go.

I am so blessed that I was able to spend 9 months with Brody. He was a part of me and the bond that we share now will never be gone. Two weeks ago I had an ultrasound and I will never forget that day. Looking back at it now, I feel peace that Brody is doing okay. As I was lying there on the bed the lady was looking at his hands. All of the sudden Brody gave me a thumbs up which made me laugh. I now believe that he was telling me that its okay mom, I’m going to be alright.
I thank God for the son that he has given our family. Even though he isn’t physically with us, he is a part of the amazing family that God has already given me. I can’t wait until the day I get to hold him again, but until that day I will continue to reflect on the time I did get to spend with him and continue to love him here on earth until we are joined together in Heaven.
Brody; You are such a beautiful boy. I am so honoured that I was given the opportunity to spend 9 months helping you grow. Your daddy, brother and I will miss having you here with us but we know that you are having a blast in heaven. You are so precious to me; I love you dearly and will love you forever.

The beginning

This is my first blog ever. Lately I've been feeling the urge to start journaling about my life after Brody left us and I feel that now is a good time to start.
Our family just got back from holidays on the island and for the first time since Brody died, I am all alone with Marcus in our house while Mike is at work. Its a strange feeling. Right now Marcus is sleeping and instead of a crying baby, there is silence. I am starting to feel that everything that happened is for real. I am starting to feel real emotions that I lost my son, and that I will never be able to hold him again or watch him grow. To be honest and blunt...today sucks! Well, I had a great morning with a wonderful friend, but this afternoon a wave of emotions is just hitting me. Maybe thats why I decided to start this blog.
Well, life needs to continue and I need to get supper started before my little chief wakes up, so I will write more later.