I don't really have many things to stress about lately, but I couldn't think of a title, and thats all that came to mind. The only challenge that I am facing right now is trying to figure out what to do for Brody's stone. We have sort of put off thinking about this for a while because we had so many other things going on, but the topic has come up again. We really want to have a stone placed in the ground by next summer. But we want to make it perfect. Just thinking about it makes me sick. Who would of thought that at 27 I would be stressing about picking out a gravestone for my little baby. UGH, that makes me sick. However, this is something that needs to be done. I think we have some ideas but I'm coming to the realization that I might be holding off on decisions, because I don't want this chapter to end. When we place a stone on his site, it will be the final decision we have to make regarding Brody. I will no longer have to think about doing things for him. He will simply just be a wonderful warm memory that I can just remember.
But on a happier note, I LOVE MY KIDS!!!!! I love that God has blessed us in the fact that I can stay home with my kids all day and not work. I love being with them everyday and just watching them. Last night I curled up beside Marcus in his bed for a while and just watched him sleep. He woke up during that time and smiled, and whispered, "I love you" and closed his eyes and fell back asleep. Marcus has such a soft spot in my heart. He melts my heart everyday with his outpouring love for people and cracks me up with his hilarious jokes and comments. And Jaxson, well, how can you not love a baby that sleeps, eats, and smiles. He is the most content baby in the world, and his whole face lights up when he smiles. If he is crying, I can still manage to get a smile in between cries. He loves to cuddle and just snuggles into me when I'm rocking him. He has this calmness about him that just relaxes me. He is such a blessing to our family.
And on an even happier note. I LOVE MY HUSBAND!!!! Wow, I must be in a good mood today. He got 4 exclamation marks. ha ha. We have almost been married 7 years and I think this year is the greatest so far. I am still learning so much about him, and I am loving him more and more each day. He has such a gentle heart with his children and he pours out his love for me everyday. I am truly blessed to have such an incredible husband who loves me so much, but more importantly loves his Saviour so much.
Well, Marcus is singing at the top of lungs, and Jaxson is talking in his crib, so i'm going to grab a coffee and maybe bring out the christmas decorations.
Blessings on everyone today
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Where has the time gone??
My goodness. I can't believe my last post was in March. I guess i've been busy.
Well, since my last post, there have been so many changes that have happened in our family and I would just like to share them.
On August 5 2010, we welcomed a beautiful baby boy to the family. Wohoo!! I can't express how much joy and love I have for our little Jaxson Brody. I had the greatest and quickest delivery ever. Even though getting to the pushing stage took a while, I only pushed 1 1/2 times and he was out. The greatest thing about the delivery was that he came out crying. Praise the Lord! I know for some this may seem natural that babies would come out crying, however for me, I longed for this moment and a little piece of me was scared that he would come out quiet. Jaxson has been such a joy to our family. He is the perfect baby. He is now 2 months old and basically eats, sleeps, and smiles. He is so beautiful and Marcus just adores him. A few weeks ago though, I had a mini breakdown and I feel the need to share it and get it off my chest. Before Jaxson was born, I was feeling really good emotionally, and having great days. I hadn't had an emotional day for a while, and my sorrows seemed to disappear. So, I was a little curious how I would react to having a baby and holding a healthy baby again. What kind of emotions was I going to have, was I going to love this baby or think of him as a replacement to Brody. Well, thankfully pure love came pouring out when I saw him and nothing but joy was inside of me. It wasn't until Jaxson was about a month old, when I hit a wall. One day I was just looking at Jaxson and he started smiling at me. And it hit me. His features were changing. He didn't look like the infant that was born a month ago. And I started to cry. What I realized was that Jaxson looked exactly like Brody did when he was born. They had the exact features and especially had the same mouth. Without realizing it. Every time I looked at Jaxson, I felt like I was looking at Brody. And for some reason that was holding me together. Then one day he changed, and I lost it. The image that I had of Brody was leaving me. I could no longer look at Jaxson and see Brody. I felt like I was losing Brody all over again. I had to quickly get out Brody's picture and sob and pray for understanding about what was happening. With prayer and a lot of overwhelming thoughts, I have come to the understanding that Jaxson is a pure blessing to us. He is his own person, not a replacement for Brody, nor is he Brody. I had to grieve all over again basically from the beginning and find that peace again that I had come to a year ago. Brody has a special place in my heart. He is my son, and I am greatful that I had him, but I also need to give my love to Jaxson, and praise God for the beautiful baby that he is. It is now a month later, and Jaxson keeps changing. He is getting cuter every day, and I am just so in love with him. I can't wait to see what kind of personality he is going to have and I am just excited for the future that I have with him.
Another exciting change that has happened to our family is that we moved to Bow Island, Alberta in August. Yes, we moved when Jaxson was 5 days old. And yes, we were crazy. However, the move went smoothly and we made it just fine. What brought us to Bow Island, was a ministry opportunity. For the past few years we have been yearning to be in youth ministry. Mike has applied to many churches and nothing had come out of it. When we lost Brody, we decided to stop applying to churches, and just focus on our family and spend the year praying about our future and the plans God had for us. It wasn't until we put our own plans aside and fully relied on God to deliver our future, that we got a call from Bow Island. And what a blessing it has been. We are being so fullfilled here and are really excited that God has brought us to this church and to these youth. We are so blessed by the youth at the church and are really enjoying getting to know them and to be part of their walk with Christ.
Looking back, I never would have thought our lives would change so quickly. But I am so thankful for new life, and a wonderful new church family.
However, I do miss my girls from Vernon though. There are many days where I sit and wonder if they are getting together for potlucks, or playdates or having super fun birthday events. I was so blessed with great friends, and I know they left a great impact in my life. They are great examples of wonderful mothers, and true, loving friends. Miss you guys!!!
So, that is all for now. Hopefully I'll keep writing on here and hopefully more often. May you all be blessed today!
Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God.
Well, since my last post, there have been so many changes that have happened in our family and I would just like to share them.
On August 5 2010, we welcomed a beautiful baby boy to the family. Wohoo!! I can't express how much joy and love I have for our little Jaxson Brody. I had the greatest and quickest delivery ever. Even though getting to the pushing stage took a while, I only pushed 1 1/2 times and he was out. The greatest thing about the delivery was that he came out crying. Praise the Lord! I know for some this may seem natural that babies would come out crying, however for me, I longed for this moment and a little piece of me was scared that he would come out quiet. Jaxson has been such a joy to our family. He is the perfect baby. He is now 2 months old and basically eats, sleeps, and smiles. He is so beautiful and Marcus just adores him. A few weeks ago though, I had a mini breakdown and I feel the need to share it and get it off my chest. Before Jaxson was born, I was feeling really good emotionally, and having great days. I hadn't had an emotional day for a while, and my sorrows seemed to disappear. So, I was a little curious how I would react to having a baby and holding a healthy baby again. What kind of emotions was I going to have, was I going to love this baby or think of him as a replacement to Brody. Well, thankfully pure love came pouring out when I saw him and nothing but joy was inside of me. It wasn't until Jaxson was about a month old, when I hit a wall. One day I was just looking at Jaxson and he started smiling at me. And it hit me. His features were changing. He didn't look like the infant that was born a month ago. And I started to cry. What I realized was that Jaxson looked exactly like Brody did when he was born. They had the exact features and especially had the same mouth. Without realizing it. Every time I looked at Jaxson, I felt like I was looking at Brody. And for some reason that was holding me together. Then one day he changed, and I lost it. The image that I had of Brody was leaving me. I could no longer look at Jaxson and see Brody. I felt like I was losing Brody all over again. I had to quickly get out Brody's picture and sob and pray for understanding about what was happening. With prayer and a lot of overwhelming thoughts, I have come to the understanding that Jaxson is a pure blessing to us. He is his own person, not a replacement for Brody, nor is he Brody. I had to grieve all over again basically from the beginning and find that peace again that I had come to a year ago. Brody has a special place in my heart. He is my son, and I am greatful that I had him, but I also need to give my love to Jaxson, and praise God for the beautiful baby that he is. It is now a month later, and Jaxson keeps changing. He is getting cuter every day, and I am just so in love with him. I can't wait to see what kind of personality he is going to have and I am just excited for the future that I have with him.
Another exciting change that has happened to our family is that we moved to Bow Island, Alberta in August. Yes, we moved when Jaxson was 5 days old. And yes, we were crazy. However, the move went smoothly and we made it just fine. What brought us to Bow Island, was a ministry opportunity. For the past few years we have been yearning to be in youth ministry. Mike has applied to many churches and nothing had come out of it. When we lost Brody, we decided to stop applying to churches, and just focus on our family and spend the year praying about our future and the plans God had for us. It wasn't until we put our own plans aside and fully relied on God to deliver our future, that we got a call from Bow Island. And what a blessing it has been. We are being so fullfilled here and are really excited that God has brought us to this church and to these youth. We are so blessed by the youth at the church and are really enjoying getting to know them and to be part of their walk with Christ.
Looking back, I never would have thought our lives would change so quickly. But I am so thankful for new life, and a wonderful new church family.
However, I do miss my girls from Vernon though. There are many days where I sit and wonder if they are getting together for potlucks, or playdates or having super fun birthday events. I was so blessed with great friends, and I know they left a great impact in my life. They are great examples of wonderful mothers, and true, loving friends. Miss you guys!!!
So, that is all for now. Hopefully I'll keep writing on here and hopefully more often. May you all be blessed today!
Psalm 46:10
Be still and know that I am God.
Monday, March 15, 2010
No Filter??
Wow, its been a while. I guess the stresses and joys of life have taken me away from here for a while. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. But I have been going through many changes emotionally and mentally and physically. But the most exciting change that is going on right now is that I am 18 weeks pregnant. YEAH!!! I have not expected the emotions that I am having during this pregnancy but I am dealing with them one day at a time. Finally, the little kicks are starting to happen and that is super exciting news. Its a calming effect that I have been waiting for.
But today I'm not really in the mood to express my journey so far in this pregnancy. I'm sure I will once my heart tells me too, but I need to share some feelings that I have right now after a discussion with a man from church yesterday.
I'm not sure what it is with the elderly, but I don't think some of them have filters. The news of my pregnancy is slowly going around church and before yesterday everyone was super positive and just extremly happy. Usually there wasn't any comment about Brody, which for me was good because they were just expressing how happy they were about this new life. Anyways, a man came up to me yesterday, put his arms around me and told me that he heard I was expecting. He said that it was great news, and I thought that was the end of the conversation, but I was wrong. He then proceeded to say that I needed to be careful about this pregnancy and I needed to be cautious with everything I did. I just looked at him, and kept my mouth shut. He then said something that has disturbed me and I am quite upset about. He then said, "You know, I don't know if you've already forgotten about your last pregnancy, but eventually you will forget about it and move on". Come on right?? At this point I couldn't keep quiet. I just looked at him and said, you know, I will never ever forget my son Brody, he is very special to me. He is apart of our family and I'm sure as time goes on, it will be easier to grieve, but I will never forget. And you know what? He had no reaction, no comment, it was as if I hadn't said anything, he then proceeded to ask how many kids I wanted, and I said we are taking it one child at a time. Then he said, so you will probably want another after this and make 3? I said, NO, this will be my third child now and we'll see what happens. At this point I just walked away and left to get Mike and go home. I was so upset, and my heart feels like its onfire. The part that I am struggling with now, is how am I supposed to respond and feels towards other Christians when they make comments like this. I don't want to have a hard heart towards this person, but I am deeply hurt by this conversation.
So today I am struggling with these feelings. Just writing this I feel anger and hurt, but I know I must forgive, but its hard when its such deep hurt.
I'm not really sure what to do, but I do remember that when I was in Alberta, my dad spoke about forgiveness, so I think I am going to spend some time listening to his message and in prayer. This is a big deal for me, and I need to approach it properly, so with Gods help I know my heart can be softened and we'll go from there.
Colossians 3:13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you
But today I'm not really in the mood to express my journey so far in this pregnancy. I'm sure I will once my heart tells me too, but I need to share some feelings that I have right now after a discussion with a man from church yesterday.
I'm not sure what it is with the elderly, but I don't think some of them have filters. The news of my pregnancy is slowly going around church and before yesterday everyone was super positive and just extremly happy. Usually there wasn't any comment about Brody, which for me was good because they were just expressing how happy they were about this new life. Anyways, a man came up to me yesterday, put his arms around me and told me that he heard I was expecting. He said that it was great news, and I thought that was the end of the conversation, but I was wrong. He then proceeded to say that I needed to be careful about this pregnancy and I needed to be cautious with everything I did. I just looked at him, and kept my mouth shut. He then said something that has disturbed me and I am quite upset about. He then said, "You know, I don't know if you've already forgotten about your last pregnancy, but eventually you will forget about it and move on". Come on right?? At this point I couldn't keep quiet. I just looked at him and said, you know, I will never ever forget my son Brody, he is very special to me. He is apart of our family and I'm sure as time goes on, it will be easier to grieve, but I will never forget. And you know what? He had no reaction, no comment, it was as if I hadn't said anything, he then proceeded to ask how many kids I wanted, and I said we are taking it one child at a time. Then he said, so you will probably want another after this and make 3? I said, NO, this will be my third child now and we'll see what happens. At this point I just walked away and left to get Mike and go home. I was so upset, and my heart feels like its onfire. The part that I am struggling with now, is how am I supposed to respond and feels towards other Christians when they make comments like this. I don't want to have a hard heart towards this person, but I am deeply hurt by this conversation.
So today I am struggling with these feelings. Just writing this I feel anger and hurt, but I know I must forgive, but its hard when its such deep hurt.
I'm not really sure what to do, but I do remember that when I was in Alberta, my dad spoke about forgiveness, so I think I am going to spend some time listening to his message and in prayer. This is a big deal for me, and I need to approach it properly, so with Gods help I know my heart can be softened and we'll go from there.
Colossians 3:13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you
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