Canada just finished celebrating Thanksgiving, a time to be thankful and to celebrate giving and being thankful. However, this year for our family it was hard for us to be thankful for much.
Today is one of those days. Its gloomy outside and also in my heart. My brother and his family went with my parents to Ontario and I have been feeling lonely without any family close by, and being alone it makes me think of the happier times in my life. I remember last years Thanksgiving when we were all at my parents place. We all celebrated Thanksgiving together and then Mike and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary in Montana. What is making this event so emotional today is that, this is the time when Brody was conceived. Today I am remembering the time when life was great and we were celebrating, and one year later, we are grieving. Its amazing how life can change so quickly.
I am also struggling today with understanding if its okay to admit that I haven't been thankful for much in the past few months. I am thankful for the great family I have, and the wonderful friends who keep me going but there is just part of me that is wondering, how can I be truly thankful when I am so saddened by what has happened to us. I feel like I am not truly thankful and my heart is not truly happy. I am wondering if I will ever be truly happy again. I have been getting happier and excited about life again, but I don't have that complete happiness and joy that I once had. Theres a little piece of me that is holding back. I hope that one day that pure happiness will return, but until then I guess I just need to accept that its going to take time and go on trying to live a life that is joyful and uplifting to God.
So, today is a hard day. Its so quiet in our house and the memories are just hitting me hard. It wasn't supposed to be this quiet in our house. I miss my little boy so much today, I think I need to go visit him today. We bought little butterfly sticks so I think Marcus and I are going to go bring them over today.
Blessings.
