A few days after Brody's funeral my father had to drive back to Alberta because he had to speak in his church that Sunday. A few days after that Sunday my mom and I decided to start listening to the message online. For some reason I only got through the first 5 minutes of it, and something came up. So tonight I decided to go to my dads church website and listen to the sermon that he did the Sunday after Brody's funeral. WOW, what strength my dad must have had to even make it through the message, and it was so powerful and right to point about not judging others.
The message is making me really think twice about my actions towards other people, so I decided to post it here because its a great message.
All you have to do is click on this website, then find and click on the July 12, 2009 sermon, entitled, "We are not God", and click open.
http://feeds.feedburner.com/cmbcaudio
May your hearts be touched by this.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Taking time
Last night I realized just how important it is for me to take time out of my day to spend with God reflecting on Brody. I had a complete breakdown last night and couldn't control myself. I've been having these overwhelming feelings of sadness lately and I just lose it. I'm at this stage of grieving that I just want him here NOW. Its so hard to explain to someone the complete emptiness that I have. Its this aching feeling in my chest and I just feel like my heart is racing a thousand times a minute. But last night Mike and I were talking after I had calmed down a bit, and we both realized that I have been extremely busy the past three days. Usually, during Marcus' nap, I take time to look at Brody's picture (i've only looked at one so far) and just sit there and let myself go wherever it needs to go, but the past few days I haven't had time to do that, and last night it caught up with me. I've had people tell me that it gets easier as time goes on but right now I feel that its getting harder. But I've found that if I take time to sit there with his picture and reflect then I can go on with the rest of my day, and even sleep at night. I am finally realizing how hard all of this is, and I'm slowly finding ways to keep myself sane and to continue on with life, because I have a wonderful 2 year old who needs his mommy also. I'm sure one day it will get easier but right now I just keep looking towards God. Not so much for understanding right now, but for peace and strength to get through the days.
As a side note, Mike and I have decided not to put a stone on Brody's grave site yet. We were told that we had until August to pick out a stone so it could be set before the land got too hard, but we weren't quite ready to pick one out yet. We sort of have an idea of what we want, but we want it to be perfect and right now our minds aren't completely together, so we have decided to wait until next spring to pick one out. This was a hard decision because right now there is just a marker with his name on it and thats all. His land looks so bare and over winter I have a fear that his marker is going to get lost and I won't be able to find it. But we keep bringing flowers to the site, and I think I am going to get something big to put there so we know where he is when the snow comes.
Well, that is all for now. Today I am going to have a mommy and Marcus day. I'm not sure what we are going to do yet, but I just need to spend some time with my boys today.
"It's okay to fall apart in Jesus' arms. When you cannot hold yourself together, God can".
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to Me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge.
Psalm 57:1
As a side note, Mike and I have decided not to put a stone on Brody's grave site yet. We were told that we had until August to pick out a stone so it could be set before the land got too hard, but we weren't quite ready to pick one out yet. We sort of have an idea of what we want, but we want it to be perfect and right now our minds aren't completely together, so we have decided to wait until next spring to pick one out. This was a hard decision because right now there is just a marker with his name on it and thats all. His land looks so bare and over winter I have a fear that his marker is going to get lost and I won't be able to find it. But we keep bringing flowers to the site, and I think I am going to get something big to put there so we know where he is when the snow comes.
Well, that is all for now. Today I am going to have a mommy and Marcus day. I'm not sure what we are going to do yet, but I just need to spend some time with my boys today.
"It's okay to fall apart in Jesus' arms. When you cannot hold yourself together, God can".
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to Me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge.
Psalm 57:1
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Beach Day
We just got back from a great afternoon at the beach. We are tanned, tired, but very happy! Today was the first time in a while that just the three of us went to the beach for the day. No one complained, (not even Marcus:)) and I realized that since Brody left us, my marriage has been getter stronger. Not to say that it wasn't strong before, but I read a lot of books about loss and one of the toughest things after a loss of a child is making a marriage survive. It will either bring you closer together, or tear you apart. While I was watching Marcus and Mike build sandcastles today, I realized how glad I was to have such an amazing husband. I do have to admit, that as soon as Brody died, we had different ways of grieving, and I was getting upset because he didn't grieve the same way I did, and he wasn't very understanding when I wanted to cry all the time and make him sit there and listen to me, but our minds weren't focused on eachother, and we were just trying to understand ourselves what just happened. It took us about a month before we started coming together and being able to grieve together. Even though we weren't together very much since I was at my parents place, Mike listened to me on the phone when I just needed to let go and cry, and I became aware of Mikes way of grieving and now understand his grieving process. I think that Brody has brought us closer together as a family. We cherish every moment we have together and value the really important things in life. We want to spend more time together as family and my love for my husband is outstanding. I love him SO MUCH!
Although we grieve two completely different ways, we come together as husband and wife now and continue to be a family who is dealing with the hardest time in our lives together.
Unconditional love is a gift that pain and suffering cannot negate and death cannot sever.
For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but My kindness shall not depart from you. Nor shall My covenant of peace be removed. Isaiah 54:10
Although we grieve two completely different ways, we come together as husband and wife now and continue to be a family who is dealing with the hardest time in our lives together.
Unconditional love is a gift that pain and suffering cannot negate and death cannot sever.
For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but My kindness shall not depart from you. Nor shall My covenant of peace be removed. Isaiah 54:10
Thursday, August 20, 2009
9 Months with Brody
This is a copy of the tribute I wrote to express my 9 months of pregnancy with Brody. This was read at his memorial service.
July 1, 2009 is a day I will never forget. We spent the day as a family together for the last time. Marcus and daddy swimming and having a blast , and Brody and mommy watching them, drinking juice and thinking about coming back in a few months so we can all swim and play together. Never did I think how our lives would change in a matter of hours.
The last 9 months have been the hardest and happiest moments in my life. It all started in October when we found out we were having Brody. We were thrilled and couldn’t be happier to be having another child. I spent the first few months wondering when I would feel him kick, and feel all the little movements that he would be doing. It wasn’t that much longer when my little soccer player introduced himself. He was a very active baby which caused me pain, but also smiles when I could feel him kick me in the side which made me wonder how big his legs and feet actually were. I spent many nights awake because of kicking, heartburn, muscle pain and excitement about his arrival. He loved it when Marcus and I would sing songs. He would always start moving as soon we started singing. As Brody and I grew bigger as the months went on, I felt closer and closer to him. When he would start moving, I would put my hand on my stomach and he would usually kick that spot. I spent many moments talking to him and telling him how happy and excited we were for him to be a part of our family
The day that Brody was born is a day that will remain in my heart forever. I was so excited to be going to the doctors one last time hoping that I would be delivering Brody soon. As I laid on the bed waiting to hear his heartbeat, my own heartbeat was racing faster and faster. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t hearing anything. The next couple of hours were spent hearing the worst news a mother could ever hear and preparing myself for the delivery that would bring me the worst pain physically and emotionally that I would ever have in my life. As soon as Brody was born I was unsure how I would feel, but never did I think that I would feel a peace at what I was seeing. Here was this perfect angel; not a mark on his body and lying so peacefully under the warm heaters. While we said our goodbyes after holding him, I praised God for creating such a beautiful boy and allowing me to see his beauty and hold him until I was ready to let go.
I am so blessed that I was able to spend 9 months with Brody. He was a part of me and the bond that we share now will never be gone. Two weeks ago I had an ultrasound and I will never forget that day. Looking back at it now, I feel peace that Brody is doing okay. As I was lying there on the bed the lady was looking at his hands. All of the sudden Brody gave me a thumbs up which made me laugh. I now believe that he was telling me that its okay mom, I’m going to be alright.
I thank God for the son that he has given our family. Even though he isn’t physically with us, he is a part of the amazing family that God has already given me. I can’t wait until the day I get to hold him again, but until that day I will continue to reflect on the time I did get to spend with him and continue to love him here on earth until we are joined together in Heaven.
Brody; You are such a beautiful boy. I am so honoured that I was given the opportunity to spend 9 months helping you grow. Your daddy, brother and I will miss having you here with us but we know that you are having a blast in heaven. You are so precious to me; I love you dearly and will love you forever.
July 1, 2009 is a day I will never forget. We spent the day as a family together for the last time. Marcus and daddy swimming and having a blast , and Brody and mommy watching them, drinking juice and thinking about coming back in a few months so we can all swim and play together. Never did I think how our lives would change in a matter of hours.
The last 9 months have been the hardest and happiest moments in my life. It all started in October when we found out we were having Brody. We were thrilled and couldn’t be happier to be having another child. I spent the first few months wondering when I would feel him kick, and feel all the little movements that he would be doing. It wasn’t that much longer when my little soccer player introduced himself. He was a very active baby which caused me pain, but also smiles when I could feel him kick me in the side which made me wonder how big his legs and feet actually were. I spent many nights awake because of kicking, heartburn, muscle pain and excitement about his arrival. He loved it when Marcus and I would sing songs. He would always start moving as soon we started singing. As Brody and I grew bigger as the months went on, I felt closer and closer to him. When he would start moving, I would put my hand on my stomach and he would usually kick that spot. I spent many moments talking to him and telling him how happy and excited we were for him to be a part of our family
The day that Brody was born is a day that will remain in my heart forever. I was so excited to be going to the doctors one last time hoping that I would be delivering Brody soon. As I laid on the bed waiting to hear his heartbeat, my own heartbeat was racing faster and faster. I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t hearing anything. The next couple of hours were spent hearing the worst news a mother could ever hear and preparing myself for the delivery that would bring me the worst pain physically and emotionally that I would ever have in my life. As soon as Brody was born I was unsure how I would feel, but never did I think that I would feel a peace at what I was seeing. Here was this perfect angel; not a mark on his body and lying so peacefully under the warm heaters. While we said our goodbyes after holding him, I praised God for creating such a beautiful boy and allowing me to see his beauty and hold him until I was ready to let go.
I am so blessed that I was able to spend 9 months with Brody. He was a part of me and the bond that we share now will never be gone. Two weeks ago I had an ultrasound and I will never forget that day. Looking back at it now, I feel peace that Brody is doing okay. As I was lying there on the bed the lady was looking at his hands. All of the sudden Brody gave me a thumbs up which made me laugh. I now believe that he was telling me that its okay mom, I’m going to be alright.
I thank God for the son that he has given our family. Even though he isn’t physically with us, he is a part of the amazing family that God has already given me. I can’t wait until the day I get to hold him again, but until that day I will continue to reflect on the time I did get to spend with him and continue to love him here on earth until we are joined together in Heaven.
Brody; You are such a beautiful boy. I am so honoured that I was given the opportunity to spend 9 months helping you grow. Your daddy, brother and I will miss having you here with us but we know that you are having a blast in heaven. You are so precious to me; I love you dearly and will love you forever.
The beginning
This is my first blog ever. Lately I've been feeling the urge to start journaling about my life after Brody left us and I feel that now is a good time to start.
Our family just got back from holidays on the island and for the first time since Brody died, I am all alone with Marcus in our house while Mike is at work. Its a strange feeling. Right now Marcus is sleeping and instead of a crying baby, there is silence. I am starting to feel that everything that happened is for real. I am starting to feel real emotions that I lost my son, and that I will never be able to hold him again or watch him grow. To be honest and blunt...today sucks! Well, I had a great morning with a wonderful friend, but this afternoon a wave of emotions is just hitting me. Maybe thats why I decided to start this blog.
Well, life needs to continue and I need to get supper started before my little chief wakes up, so I will write more later.
Our family just got back from holidays on the island and for the first time since Brody died, I am all alone with Marcus in our house while Mike is at work. Its a strange feeling. Right now Marcus is sleeping and instead of a crying baby, there is silence. I am starting to feel that everything that happened is for real. I am starting to feel real emotions that I lost my son, and that I will never be able to hold him again or watch him grow. To be honest and blunt...today sucks! Well, I had a great morning with a wonderful friend, but this afternoon a wave of emotions is just hitting me. Maybe thats why I decided to start this blog.
Well, life needs to continue and I need to get supper started before my little chief wakes up, so I will write more later.
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