Last night I realized just how important it is for me to take time out of my day to spend with God reflecting on Brody. I had a complete breakdown last night and couldn't control myself. I've been having these overwhelming feelings of sadness lately and I just lose it. I'm at this stage of grieving that I just want him here NOW. Its so hard to explain to someone the complete emptiness that I have. Its this aching feeling in my chest and I just feel like my heart is racing a thousand times a minute. But last night Mike and I were talking after I had calmed down a bit, and we both realized that I have been extremely busy the past three days. Usually, during Marcus' nap, I take time to look at Brody's picture (i've only looked at one so far) and just sit there and let myself go wherever it needs to go, but the past few days I haven't had time to do that, and last night it caught up with me. I've had people tell me that it gets easier as time goes on but right now I feel that its getting harder. But I've found that if I take time to sit there with his picture and reflect then I can go on with the rest of my day, and even sleep at night. I am finally realizing how hard all of this is, and I'm slowly finding ways to keep myself sane and to continue on with life, because I have a wonderful 2 year old who needs his mommy also. I'm sure one day it will get easier but right now I just keep looking towards God. Not so much for understanding right now, but for peace and strength to get through the days.
As a side note, Mike and I have decided not to put a stone on Brody's grave site yet. We were told that we had until August to pick out a stone so it could be set before the land got too hard, but we weren't quite ready to pick one out yet. We sort of have an idea of what we want, but we want it to be perfect and right now our minds aren't completely together, so we have decided to wait until next spring to pick one out. This was a hard decision because right now there is just a marker with his name on it and thats all. His land looks so bare and over winter I have a fear that his marker is going to get lost and I won't be able to find it. But we keep bringing flowers to the site, and I think I am going to get something big to put there so we know where he is when the snow comes.
Well, that is all for now. Today I am going to have a mommy and Marcus day. I'm not sure what we are going to do yet, but I just need to spend some time with my boys today.
"It's okay to fall apart in Jesus' arms. When you cannot hold yourself together, God can".
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to Me! For my soul trusts in You; and in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge.
Psalm 57:1
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