The door is finally opened! I just came back from the nursery. This was the first time that I have opened the door since I got it ready back in July. While I was sitting on the couch with Marcus this morning, I had this nudge in my heart to go into the room. It was time. As I opened the door, I saw the pictures that we hung on the wall, the dresser, and the cutest overalls that my mom had bought a while back for Brody. When I walked in, I looked to the right and saw the crib. Everything was in the order. The sheets weren't even wrinkled. It was a weird sight.
After July 2nd, we started getting many things from people such as cards, little stuffed animals and a few other things. Mike has been putting everything that we have gotten into the crib and its starting to overflow. It felt so calming to start going through some of these things. I first started looking at the clothes that we had packed for him to wear at the hospital, his blankets that people made for him and a stuffed animal that the hospital gave him. I then started looking at more personal things of him. My mom got this big wall piece called "what is a baby", that we had in front of the church during the memorial service. Well, she had put his baby hat where a picture was supposed to go, and I just now noticed that it had some of the "gunk" from Brody on the hat. I then started looking at the box that the hospital gave us. His foot prints, bracelets, and finally some of his hair. It was no neat to touch these things because he actually wore the braclets, and it was actually his hair. The only other things I got through were the cards, and looked at the dried roses that we kept from the service. The only things that I haven't looked at yet are all his pictures. But one day I'm sure i'll be ready to go through them.
I feel so calm after being in there. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. But it felt really good. I have had a really good week (besides being sick :( ) and I am starting to live life again. I am now starting to understand why people say it gets easier. I get it now. The pain is still there, but I don't cry everyday. Of course I still have bad moments, and days, but I now feel excited about my life and happy to go on with my days.
You don't have to thank God for the bad things, just for being there in the midst of them.
For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
Julie,this is so beautiful, thanks for sharing such a personal moment in your journey. I am glad your joy is returning,you seem to be grieving so amazingly well. You have gone where many people are afraid to go -into the depths of grief- and gleaned with us what you have experienced. You are a blessing.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing these deeply personal thoughts and feelings... I'm praying for you, and wishing that we could enjoy our morning coffee together. Maybe someday we'll get to do that. Love you - Krista
ReplyDeleteThere's not one post I've read when the tears don't well up. Thank you for sharing your deep thoughts and feelings. My heart rejoices that the Lord is returning your joy and zest for life. I thank God He is giving you the strength to sort through your precious reminders of Brody. You're an encouragement with these pots.
ReplyDelete